Independence vs. Needy? How to keep balance.

May 2, 2016

 

Independence can be either attractive or can push people away from you.  Several factors play into a relationship and knowing when to do it on your own or when to do it together can be an important balancing act.  When couples are happy with their independence and can see it as a strength or both of you don't need independence and are always together,  then there are not many battles in the home. However, when one person is much more independent than the other, or needy for attention while the other is empty of giving, then fights and resentment can happen.

 

Ways to help counter these feelings, to gain more balance and to have better communication is to use tools that help you see what the other person needs, and then compromise so that you are both getting the time in for yourself or with the other person, that you long for.

 

Here are some tools for your relationship tool box that will help you build that bridge.

 

1. Schedule it and Stick to It.

A great way to feed both of your needs when you are unbalanced is to schedule specific time for both of you.  So for example, Saturday is the day you both spend together doing quality things that the 'needy' one longs for, and Sunday could be the day 'solo' partner gets to have a whole day to themselves being independent.  Both of you know that these are the days and time you are giving to the person you love to help fulfill parts of them that is unbalanced.

 

2. Be Respectful and Understanding.

When you choose to love someone that is not on the same page as you with time together or time alone, you are choosing to also respect the fact that they need time alone, or extra time with you, and that you understand why.  People who must always be around people, do not like to be alone, do not like to have it quiet and are eager to talk, share, explore and be social.  That is what they crave.  People who are extra independent have to have time to decompress, be alone in their thoughts, have space to process and need to fill back up with independent things on their own schedule.  When you both respect each others needs, and give a little in these ways, then both of you can be happy.

 

3. Feed them What they Need, Without you Involved.

If you are with someone who always needs attention, support them in going out with friends, taking classes, going to sporting events, etc. with people like them!  These are the times when you can then be independent and do your own thing.  If you are with someone who needs that alone time, support them in their solo sports, their time to read a book, their solo road trips, etc. that give them the quiet moments they need and to give them a chance to miss you and be ready to give to you what you require.  As long as you have scheduled time together and you stay consistent, you will each bring out that 'other side' and will become more balanced individuals in your overall life.

 

Balance and communication are key, always talk things out, be honest and be a team about it.  You are each others best friend, lover and partner, so be kind and love!

 

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